Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ashke2003's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 30th, 2007
9:51 pm	Tested By Fire It’s been a difficult few months from my last entry to the present day. I’ve not been procrastinating but have been going through the fires of personal transformation. It has never been more apparent to me that when one opens to Spirit one is often tried and tested by fire. I feel that I have been hammered out on Weylands Smithy, not made into something new, but rather shown who it was I was intended to be before name and form, a kind of returning to the heart of me. A reminder that I am of Earth and of Spirit and a real sense of returning to the things that matter . . . finding that the most natural and most precious of things are those things of worth. My heart’s desire is to know Goddess and to know God, to truly connect with Divine and to celebrate that wonderful union within. I have a growing sense of the enormity of this, the sheer vastness of Spirit and the mysterious conundrum of the unknowable being knowable. At the same time I know how small, yet also how vast I am, because I am part of all things, truly connected and truly interdependent. Some of the above has been fuelled by personal loss. Bereavement that has broken me. The confusion and ‘lostness’ this brings, the seeking for answers that don’t always come, beyond the continual reminder of Life, Death and Rebirth. It’s not so much a trial of faith, as I don’t really consider my pagan path to be a faith based religion, rather a serious lesson in the reality of the cycle of life and the hardship as well as celebration that this brings, and how this throws one upon that which really matters. If my roots are not in spiritual reality, if they are not deeply grounded and earthed in the Lord and Lady and I only talk the talk but don’t walk the walk, then what use am I to myself or anybody else? The greatest and most effective of tools are tested by fire, that most spiritual of all the elements. As well as genuine loss through death I have known the transient reality of friendship; People who I have trusted turning and changing and the pain that this brings. This, just like the real losses I describe above, has hurt and profoundly affected the way that I interact with others. I don’t say this in a bitter or cynical way, and neither do I say it with resignation, but rather with a profound yet quiet sense of recognition, like it had to happen, like it was always going to happen. Motives . . . I’ve learned to use my discernment, to trust my ever deepening intuition, to listen to the quiet things and not pay so much attention to those things that are heralded with trumpets. The deep, deep reality of the element of Water has played such a key role in teaching me here. That profound, almost unfathomable depth, that deep silent stillness that contains such incredible power and force. Connecting with the truth of myself and then seeing the truth of others has been an invaluable and on-going lesson. I’m not talking about a ‘scales falling from my eyes’ experience, but rather a kind of deep reminder of something that I have always known. I’m also struggling with Glastonbury. I love the place. I adore being at the Tor, it’s a place of mystical wonder to me, and I love Chalice Well, even though I see the manipulation of humankind at work there. Glastonbury is, without doubt, a place of spiritual wonder, energy, and transformation and it has a genuine and lovely centre and in many ways it is a spiritual home to me. Yet at the same time I struggle with the way that spirituality is peddled there. And I don’t mean the shops, as they are open and honest and I love a good few of the stores there, I really do. They are open, upfront and honest and I love them for that. I just see spirituality being turned into business in so many ways and I am unsure what I think or feel about that. I feel a sense of restlessness, a dissatisfaction that travels to the core of who I am and what I want to be. It’s a motives thing . . . what are we really wanting to achieve as men and women of Spirit? What is at the heart of our calling? Ownership . . . what am I really wanting to achieve as a man of Spirit? What is at the heart of my calling? I want my core, my true inner self, to be a place of Spirit, an Inner Temple to the Lord and Lady that radiates spiritual reality and I want it to be authentic, genuine, and congruent. I don’t want show, I don’t want pomp, I don’t want shallow and I don’t want pretence. I honestly want spiritual reality. I see no worth or sense in anything less. Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
4:25 pm	The Cauldron Of Transformation Recent weeks have provided a real sense of being in the cauldron of transformation. The Dark of Samhain has never seemed so real and as I experience this Dark in a spiritual sense, so it is mirrored in a physical sense. The two realities are reflecting each other. It's like layer after layer of me has been stripped away so that all that remains is real, of Spirit and of truth. The debris, the rubbish, the clutter, that which hinders growth, that which no longer serves, has been severed, removed and burned in the fire. The Dark God, Gwyn Ap Nudd, has invited me to travel with him to the Underworld and here, with the Dark God, I have faced aspects of myself and of life and death that I have shied away from for more years than I care to remember. The fear of death itself has been my greatest challenge and in truth I don't think that I have finished facing this particular fear yet. There is still too much of me that clings to the material, to this physical life, this manifestation, rather than truly seeing that this is simply one incarnation on a journey that is far deeper, far greater than I can ever begin to imagine. Yes, my eyes are being opened to another consciousness and I am starting to journey to realms I never thought possible, but there is still some letting go to do. Death is part of the process, part of the cycle of life. For life to take place, there has to be death, without death there is no rebirth. I am forever on this journey, forever part of the cycle. As I have tarried in the Underworld, the realm of the Dark God, the womb of the Dark Goddess, inner transformation has been taking place. I have been experiencing something of spiritual alchemy, inner change at a profound level. There has been something of relinquishing personal control, even letting hope and dreams and aspirations go, seeing all that is of me burned in the cauldron. I can stand in my own power, but this is not a power of ego, it is the power of my true self, the self I was created to be before name and form. I have a sense of connecting with the person I was intended to be, the person I was created to be, the person I have always been, prior to adaptation. My true self. I am of Earth, Air, Fire and Water. I am interconnected. My being radiates and resonates with the power of the elements and I am far stronger, far more powerful than I myself realise. This is an energy that flows from the elements and the Lord and Lady and is part of the mystery, as all these things are immanent. Motives again have come into the equation and I have experienced a powerful sense of releasing the need for attention, the need for approval, the desire to do things for effect, or for the praise or recognition of others. This has been a real dynamic thing as I see that motives influence intention, and intention is such a powerful and dynamic part of magical life. This has been a painful reflection, but one that has been so cleansing. The Tree Of Life has come into my consciousness again. My roots, deep down in the Underworld, drawing everything I need for life, growth and survival. The place of mystery being the world that informs my being. My trunk in the physical world, growing strong, serving others, radiating the life of the Lord and Lady. My branches travelling to my highest star. The sense of being 'huge' has been really very real, not in a puffed up sense, but in the sense of truly being aware of who and what I really am. Why, when I sense the true reality of self, do I allow myself to be intimidated by so much?!? I can walk in freedom and I can walk in power. I am not only on the web of life, but I am part of the web of life. From this long time in the Dark I can see the glimmer of Winter Solstice. The light will return, and I am as much of the Light as I am of the Dark. However, I know that this particular part of my journey is not over yet. There is more to learn from the Dark, and more of my dark side to face, accept and embrace. But the Light is coming and I will be reborn, transformed. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 12th, 2006
3:15 pm	Interdependence The past couple of months have been months of deep and profound inner work. I have had a real encounter with Gwyn ap Nudd as Lord of the Underworld. I’ve travelled with him, deep into the Underworld, to experience and face my own sense of mortality. I have met with him as Dark Lord and experienced a real sense of stripping away of all that was important to me. Things that have provided me with a sense of role, a sense of purpose, but which, perhaps, were more to do with ego, have been stripped away, removed and are buried. I have a real sense of starting again, but before I can be re-born at Yule, my time in the Underworld must continue. It’s been difficult, it’s been painful, it’s been something I’ve wanted to avoid, yet at the same time it is transformational. I am slowly becoming the person I was before name and form, back to him who I was always intended to be. Since separating myself from the local Goddess movement (although my respect for those individuals remaining within the movement is immense) I have become increasingly aware of the reality of interdependence. The coming together of the Divine Female and Male is not about dominion or domination, it’s not about control or subjugation, rather it’s about harmony, it’s about respect, and it’s about interdependence. The relationship is one of choice and its fruit is life, the life of which we all partake and celebrate in. As this celestial harmony resonates throughout and within all creation, so below we mirror this harmony. All of life is inextricably linked and I, as a Priest of the Lord and Lady of the Wildwood work with this harmony, this balance, this natural energy and herein lies one of the mysteries of my path; the power that exists within the harmony of opposites. Light and dark, night and day, earth and sky, male and female, endings and beginnings; all these are portals into mystical power and energy. Where night becomes day, the moment when one season melts into the next, the still point of Equinox, midnight; all these magical moments are portals; they are mystical entrances into the otherworld. Likewise, wellheads, all kinds of entrances, springs, and the place where rivers meet the ocean all have the same spiritual dynamic and I am finding the wonder of working and connecting with these amazing places. All of this speaks to me of the magic of harmony, of interdependence, of interconnectedness, the joy and power of being one with all things because we all come from Goddess, we are all touched by the hand of the Divine and we all partake of the Divine Life. It’s not about a battle, it’s about the wonder of experiencing that oneness we all share. Stepping out of this self imposed struggle and walking into the wonder of harmony in a real way causes ones entire consciousness to shift. Travelling between the worlds has been something of a reality to me in recent weeks. Embracing the reality of the Tree Of Life, with my roots firmly in the Underworld, my trunk living in the middle world and my branches reaching up into the heavens has been something of a reality. The sense of being so very big, with my roots in the underworld and my branches reaching to the furthest star has been something of a revelation and also a deeply humbling experience and at times rather scary! The Underworld is a place of surrender, a place of letting go. Here I relinquish personal control and release all goals and aspirations. Here I am stripped of everything and surrender all I am and all I have. It’s a place of death where I await rebirth. It’s where everything ceases, everything stops, all things come to an end. There has to be death before life and this has to be truly experienced. The stalemate of spirit verses ego has impressed itself upon me in recent weeks. The more I live in ego, the less I move in spirit and I cease to grow. Whilst I experience the world through this body, and this is to be enjoyed and celebrated, I am more than that. It’s not about puffing myself up in some self seeking, self preserving way, it’s about embracing Spirit and moving within those gifts and abilities that come from Spirit. I want to see my spirit grow! Moving in Spirit is not procrastination, neither is it an abdication of aligning my own will with that of the Lord and Lady. I am in the driving seat and I can make things happen, but the key is doing this in Spirit – knowing the Lord and Lady and my will and the Divine will becoming one. It’s a process and one of devotion. As a gay man I find I relate well to the Lady, but I am called to also embrace the God, whom I know less well. I need to incorporate His masculinity within me, release his gentle strength, his power, his protection within me. I need to know Him better, deeper and fuller. I need his qualities and want others to see and experience his qualities flowing from me. I want His free, wild running spirit coursing through my veins. Current Mood: content Current Music: Rufus Wainwright! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 1st, 2006
4:34 pm	Death and Rebirth The cycle of death, rebirth, growth and death has become increasingly real to me in recent weeks. Without death, there is no life, without growth and development, life has no purpose, and death is about preparation for new beginnings, a new journey, and a new cycle of development. All of this is trite, meaningless, academic, and mere theory unless one truly enters into the experience of journeying into death in order to experience a true sacrifice of ego and a stepping into Spirit. The experience of the Goddess Conference has thrown my spiritual path up in the air and slowly the pieces are settling and revealing a new way of being, a new spiritual direction, and a new path. I don’t want my spiritual experience to be window-dressing. I don’t want shallow, I don’t want pretence, and I don’t want falsehood. I don’t want egos competing for attention, clashing like empty cymbals hitting a sharp note that does nothing but cause negativity and disharmony. I want spiritual reality, a true and genuine connection to the Lord and Lady that changes my life, brings personal transformation, and works to bring healing into the lives of others. I hunger for this. This has been a truly painful time. I have experienced a profound sense of mourning. Moving away from the Goddess Temple and not dedicating at the end of my training has caused me to feel cut adrift, set apart, lonely. I don’t have a sense of spiritual community at the moment and whilst I know the steps I have taken are correct, there is a definite sense of loss. This has not been an easy decision, I’ve not taken it lightly, but it’s also too serious, too profound, too real, to play games. Nothing about my spiritual progression is candyfloss fluff, so there are times when difficult decisions have to be taken in order to remain true to ones calling and to ones integrity. Thus I have chosen to distance myself from the Goddess Temple as to do otherwise would be to betray my own calling. This does not mean that I’ve fallen out of love with the Lady, far from it, nor have I lost love or affection for many people connected with the movement locally. I admire and respect many of them, they’re dear, precious, and sincere people whom I love and care about deeply. However, for me personally, to continue in the local training would be to deny aspects of me and of my path that would be intrinsically wrong. I want to walk in Spirit. I want to embrace both the Divine Feminine and Masculine. My years of spiritual journeying have bought me to a place free from conditioning and control. Free from false expectations, free from duty and control. I have been released into a space where I can begin to embrace who I was meant to be before name and form and I cannot go back into conformity when the Lord and Lady have set me free. Spiritual development brings personal liberation and does not create prisoners to fear. Sometimes one walks down the wrong road often enough that one actually learns to avoid it in the future and take a new road! I want to continue walking in the freedom from old patterns of behaviour. I want to be able to speak my truth. I want to celebrate my maleness and have my gay maleness honoured and respected as a valid and genuine sexuality. The past is bondage and restriction, the future is about creativity and movement, about stability and growth, about fruitfulness and vitality. This will flow from walking in Spirit and not from preciousness or possessiveness. Not from dictatorship, not from control, not from dogma – but from revelation and relationship with the Lord and Lady, of genuine spiritual experience. Now is about inner reflection and retreating into the inner and deeper realms of self and journeying into the darker aspects of the Underworld. Now is about facing the Lord of the Underworld and the Dark Goddess and of shedding all that no longer serves. It’s not about public show; it’s about personal journeying in reality between the worlds. It’s a time of seeing the complete and whole picture. This is a time of dynamic change. Structures built of the ego are as empty as they are shallow and they will avail nothing. Anything of Spirit flows from Spirit and from genuine connection. It’s not about determination, brute force or stubbornness, therefore motivation, drives, and aspirations must be questioned. It’s about letting go and allowing change to happen, allow the spiritual process to work. Allow the soil of my soul to be tilled and ploughed and left fallow for a year before real and genuine planting can take place. This is another side of death and this is a process that cannot be by-passed just because it’s often painful, inconvenient, or lonely. It has to be embraced as She changes everything she touches. Activity based upon my own ideas, inner conflicts, reactions and prejudices will fail. These negative attributes need to be burned in the cauldron of the Dark Mother before I can move into fruitfulness and growth. If I embrace negativity, this is not only what I will manifest, it is also what I will propagate. In order to experience re-birth there has to be death. I have to embrace death in order to live. A genuine shift in consciousness is required in order to move on from this place. In order to know true spirituality the life of the self-serving ego must die. The body is geared to survival, self preservation. Self is not wrong, it is not base, we experience this world through this body and this is to be celebrated and enjoyed, but at the same time in order to move in Spirit one has to be discerning and move on from the physical to the spiritual and to develop those gifts that belong to Spirit. I am to nurture the Spirit that lives within. Current Mood: rejuvenated (Comment on this)
Friday, September 22nd, 2006
10:53 pm	Endings These past weeks have been an incredible time. I've been pared right back to the bone. It's a real time of significant endings, and it's feels as though the Lord and Lady have stripped me right back to that which really matters. All that was gloss, veneer, candy floss and fluff has been ripped from me. There is no longer any tinsel, no longer any defence. All that remains is me. I stand as I am, with all roles removed. I have been pared right back so that ego plays no part in my future and in order for all that is to built from here-on-in is of Spirit and Spirit alone. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Monday, August 28th, 2006
4:23 pm	The Ego As the door of the Sacred Spiral opens, I see that what holds me back is nothing other than myself. Ahead are wonders, creativity and movement, new places and new horizons, my experience of which is only limited by my own mind. As long as I move in ego, these joys will not be mine. This is not to deny the body or the pleasure of the body (‘all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals’) but the body is how the spirit experiences this world. I want to move in spirit, and experience the world of spirit. The key here is shifting consciousness, letting go of self and embracing spirit. Deeper experiences lie ahead, but these are dependant upon a letting go, a growing trust and less reliance upon self. I’m not out for my own glory. I need to seek approval and affirmation of others less and seek to know the Lord and Lady to an ever growing degree. This all sounds very worthy, and it’s not meant that way. I simply want to bring the Lord and Lady to others, to enable others to walk into freedom, healing and liberation, and to be able to do so, I need to have moved from self occupation into spirit. Current Music: City Lights - Liza Minelli (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 26th, 2006
3:50 pm	First Parents I have such a sense of calling and destiny at the moment that it terrifies me. I’m not puffed up, I’m not full of myself and I’m not full of ego, rather I am reticent, un sure of myself, somewhat worried and somewhat confused. Yet, at the same time, I know that I am called for such a time as this. Change is happening, energies are shifting, and the drum sounds a different beat. It’s time to march in time and in tune to a new song. This is a time of new beginnings. Ker, Madron, she is the High Fruitful Mother and this is Her harvest and She is the Lady of Bounty. Her harvest is gathered in, but at the same time new seeds are being sewn. The cycle goes on, yet it is different. It is a time for me to speak my truth free from conditioning, free from the expectation of others and free from convention. A corner is being turned at this moment and I walk into a new consciousness. My Third Eye opens and I see the physical and inner worlds and I see their truth. The Sacred Male is taking his rightful place in my experience. Not to usurp the Goddess, for how could that be possible, and not to provide balance, for we are all complete, but to bring His own qualities and harmony. He is to be embraced, welcomed back, loved, revered, and accepted for who He is and what He brings. All that holds me back is my own dependency upon myself. My own self reliance. There is a kind of abandonment called for here, a letting go of control and a perfect love and a perfect trust in its place. Operating in ego will never bring fruitfulness. In stillness lies the answer. True meditation. Listening to the voice of the Mother bought to me on the North Winds. Understanding that the life force that flows through my veins is the gift of the Horned God. The element of Air is playing a key role at the moment, which is somewhat odd as we move towards Autumn Equinox. There is something about being in the eye of the storm. Whilst all this change rages around me, whilst my spiritual world in changing, I can be at peace, safe in the cave, experiencing the storm, but from a place of safety. The voice of the Lord and Lady can and will be heard above the clamour of the voices of others. Esoteric knowledge, clarity, inspiration, communication, creativity, writing, mental powers, etheric connection, these are the gifts of Now. Now is about endings and new beginnings. Now is about death, regeneration and re-birth. A cycle ends, a new one begins. I enter a new phase, changed and transformed and about to be changed again. I am becoming the one I was always meant to be. I am on a journey, and this journey continues. There is no room for arrogance, no room for pride or ego. This is about spiritual reality, of being pared back to the bone. All pretence, all chaff, or façade is blown clean away to reveal only that which is needed – the gift of First Parents. Never before have I needed to set such firm boundaries. To all. Openness is called for like never before. This is about dedication and commitment. Do I truly want to walk this path? Am I ready, willing and able to give myself to my First Parents? Yes, this is what I want and this is what I will do. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
9:39 pm	Goddess Conference 2006 What a week it's been! I cannot begin to explain how exhausted I am! In short, my main role this week has been about ensuring that others had a great experience. I've been lugging boxes of stuff, moving things from one venue to another, going to other nearby towns to purchase things, making props and items, sorting things, getting things to the right place, facilitating, supporting, encouraging and loads of other things besides. Oh, and I paid for this in monetary terms! I ended up doing all these things because people assigned to these jobs didn't show up. I was filling gaps really, but if these gaps were not filled then things, such as the Sacred Drama, welcome ceremonies and workshops simply would not have happened. I've learned a lot about myself. I do expect a lot of others, and this comes from the expectations put upon me in the past (it's easy for me to slip into Critical Parent mode as it is for me to receive this from others). I also know that what I want is spiritual reality. By this I want to really, really know and experience the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine.' I don't want fluffy, I don't want trite. I do want to be transformed, but I don't want pseudo-spiritual psycho-babble. I've been there, done the course, got the t-shirt and bear the scars. I want and am hungry for spiritual reality. I want to know, commune with, connect with and bring others to the Goddess. I've been told to 'chill' this week at least three times I think, but in truth I have been chilled. My self awareness is such that even when I'm losing it, I know I am and I know why! If I do, then I have given myself permission to do so! I've been angry, but this is good, because there was a time when I simply would not allow myself to experience this emotion - or tolerate the anger of others. To me, anger has always meant the threat of death. I've also seen threat to my own integrity this week, and this is something that I cannot and will not allow. This is good, as this is about me learning my own boundaries and being in a position where I am able to assert myself, stand in my own power, experience the power of the Lady and move within and from this. I will not be pushed around. I will not be made to feel that I have to conform to any pattern that others feel is expected of me if this means being untrue to myself. My first and most paramount responsibility is to be true to my intrinsic self. I feel that this has been compromised a bit this week and I will not allow a repetition of this. I almost quit year 2 this week, because of the above. But, I do believe that change is afoot and that a new generation of men are being called to follow the Goddess, and that I am called to be part of this. I cannot deny that I also work with the God, however. I need that harmony. However, as a gay man, this does present a challenge, as I will not conform to a heterosexual male stereotype, and I have felt pressure to do so at times this week. My life has been one long journey of being set free from this pressure and I am not about to put myself back into this old prison. Being gay isn't just about who one has sex with, it's about psyche, and people need to key into this fact if they are to be truly accepting of diversity. It's a serious business, in truth, even though I often bring humour (perhaps too often) into this. So my journey continues. It's one of wanting to ever deepen my etheric connection and to bring others into this experience. Just where it's going to lead, I honestly don't know. It's a bumpy ride, a painful ride, a journey of deep transformation, but one that I would not exchange for anything! Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
8:14 am	Starhawk I spent a great day in a workshop with Starhawk yesterday as part of the Glastonbury Goddess conference. The abiding things that I have taken away from this day are: Living in the present, being presently aware and knowing where my awareness is at any one time. This is especially true when it comes to experiencing my connection with Nature. It's so easy for me just to march on through and not actually notice. It's about being in the moment, taking that time, and also not replying solely on the limitations of my own human senses, but moving beyond this. Walking the walk! Any spiritual path cannot just be about mysticism, it has to have a practical outworking. It has to inform my life, the way I live it and my own level of activism, however I may be led to express that. It's about everyday stuff, just as much as it is about hearing the voices of spirits, Goddesses and Gods. I had a very real sense, as we walked the Tor in a walking meditation, of walking in the footsteps of my ancestors, walking an ancient path, yet also being aware that what I am called to bring to others is new. It's New and it's for Now. This resonated very strongly with me. There's a breaking of the mould that has to take place. I can only bring this as I allow the energy of Avalon to continue it's transformational work as this comes through being who I truly am, free and liberated in the power of the Lady. This is going to anything but pain free, but it's also very exciting! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
7:37 am	Ritual Sometimes one receives confirmations that one truly is on the right path, and last night was one of those occasions. We had been approached by someone who needed a very short but personal and specific ritual. It needed to be carried out quickly and it needed to meet a series of specific requirements. There really was very little time to arrange all this, yet the ceremony I wrote really was perfect for him. I'd not written anything like this before, but as I wrote it I knew that these were the words that needed to be spoken and I knew that they were coming from a source greater than I. As we carried out the ceremony it was clear that Goddess was touching this guy in a very real and powerful way and that things were shifting and moving for him - the change was visible. It was such a joy to see and incredibly moving. I'm learning to move in a different space and also to move between spaces and places at any one time. Nowhere near an expert, still loads more to learn and experience, but I'm so excited about the way I'm being led! I'm so grateful to Goddess. Last night will live with me for a very, very long time. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
10:40 pm	Morgen Oracle What an incredible evening! Being part of the Nine, calling to the Morgen's to come into our bodies, and then Oracling for people as they came and sat in our circle was just incredible. I can't get over the energy flow. The energy was like in waves, it pulsed and at times was just so incredibly strong. I felt it a privilege to be working with these people, and also such an affirmation that I am walking the right path and that I am intuitive and that I can trust my intuition. I am so thankful and grateful to the Lady for calling me to do this evening. We were there for two hours, as person after person came to us and received so much blessing from the Morgen's. It was just amazing how different the experience with each person was, so very, very different but so right for them. I am so pleased that I was part of this tonight. Thank you Morgen Cliton! (Comment on this)
Monday, July 10th, 2006
10:29 pm	Morgen Cliton This evening I received a phone call asking me if I would take part in a Morgen Oracling ceremony tomorrow evening at Glastonbury Goddess Temple. This is where Temple Priestesses channel/oracle the energies of the Nine Morgens Of Avalon (I have been asked to be Morgen Cliton. Sister Morgen Cliton is Morgen of Fire. Of Purity, of greenery, of new growth, change, of abundance, energy and passion). As people come into the Temple, step into the circle and ask for guidance, we bring them words from the sisters of Avalon, the Isle of death, healing and rebirth. The Isle of transformation. I can't believe that I've been asked to help so early in my training (I'm only in my first year, albeit almost at the end of my first year) but I'm also excited and pleased. I'm also scared. I don't do things lightly as I want things to be real. To be of spirit. Prior to this I have to dedicate as a Temple Priest. I want this to be of my heart and to be real. So, I'm asking you to think of me at 19.00 on Tuesday 11 July, please? Send me positive energy. I want to be able to bring people words, not from me, but from the Goddess, from the Divine, from the eternal spirit within me and for these words to bring people change and transformation. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 9th, 2006
2:24 pm	Connection Today I have experienced a strong sense of connection through the realisation that I am indeed not only on, but part of the web of life. I have my place and I have a right to my place on the web. My thoughts, actions, interactions and intra-actions effect others as the vibration goes out, but through this I also create, shape and make my own fate. All things have life force, have energy, and this energy makes the web, and this is the energy that I work with. I have experienced something of the age of the spirit that lives within me. The wisdom of my ancestors resides within and I can know these truths, this wisdom, through my communion with the Lady and simply by stepping out of myself and connecting with spirit. I don't know how to put this in words and I myself don't fully know or understand just what it means, but there was this sense of oneness, of belonging, of true connection. I just knew that I was part of something bigger than me. I know that I have to be discerning, to use the wisdom of ages to know truth from lies, false from reality, deception from honesty. Using my third eye I need to look at what lies behind, beyond and within. I am to trust my intuition, to listen to myself, hear myself and trust what I hear and act upon it. Not to take things at face value, but to question, to shift and to see the true reality of what is presented to me at any one time. In some ways it's like juggling many worlds. I forge my own destiny. I am called, yet I also make my own way within that calling. Clearing the way ahead, forging my path and walking on it. I'm to be strong, because I am strong, and I am strong because I am more than just flesh and blood, I am also spirit and soul. I experience and celebrate this life, this world, through this body, but I am also spirit. I don't fully know or understand what all this means, but this is what I have felt and heard today really very strongly. Current Mood: curious Current Music: "I'm Still The Same" Bonnie Bramlett (Comment on this)
Monday, July 3rd, 2006
9:49 pm	Discernment Discernment. Keenness of insight and of judgement. I've a sense of being called to knuckle down, to separate wheat from chaff, to see the debris, the rubbish, the clutter dissipate so that I am left only with the grain of truth. To sift. There is so much being offered, so much presenting itself, but not everything is right, not everything is edifying. Not everything has substance, is lasting, is of spirit or is of truth. I'm feeling unsettled, unsure even, in some ways. I am sure of my bedrock, I know where I stand, but there's part of me that's adrift, that's not yet weighed anchor. I need to see why this is, as trust and security are playing huge roles here. I don't want games. I don't want mind or power games either. I want real, dynamic spiritual truth. I have to trust that gift of intuition that is growing within me, that special gift from Domnu, and run with this. Goddess of springs and wells she may be, but she is also Goddess of torrents, of tsunami - she will drive away the rubbish with her own power and leave only that which is of substance and worth. Current Mood: pensive (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
2:31 pm	Delusion I spent a lovely morning at Chalice Well today. People may have thought me crazy, sat at various parts of the gardens as the rain fell! There was something so beautiful about that, being washed in Domnu’s waters, as her springs and well were all around me. Water was everywhere! I felt closeness to her in the gardens today. Chalice Well is a place where I can hear the voice of Goddess so clearly. A place where so many people have blessed the gardens, worked magick, made ceremony and ritual and met with the Divine as they know and understand the Divine. The energy here is tangible and I felt it very strongly at the wellhead today. The energy of Avalon is a transformational energy. There’s nothing fluffy about this. I’ve noticed that as soon as one starts working with the Avalonian energy, Goddess gets to work with one right away. This transformation is a real and powerful thing and I am aware of myself changing as I open to her to increasing depth. Control is the issue of the moment. I control my own emotions, my interactions with people, my environment to avoid pain, to avoid being ‘shown up’ and to avoid making relationships with people, to avoid being seen to make mistakes. I have spoken about fear elsewhere in this journal and I am aware that it works to inhibit my growth on many levels, including my spiritual growth. It’s all about avoidance of pain from rejection. Today, at the wellhead, it was clear to me that I can let go of this fear. I can hold my head up high and walk tall. Not only am I a Son of Goddess, but I am Air, Fire, Earth and Water, the elements that make me, make this planet and are Her elements. Goddess is immanent, so why do I make excuses all the time? I don’t think it’s part of the Avalonian path as such (I’m not sure), but a lesson I feel I am learning again and again is that I can not only stand in my own power, but I can stand in Her power. As She is in me, and I am in Her, and we are interconnected, I can speak with the authority of Goddess. I don’t know if I’m way off beam here, but it’s a lesson that resonates powerfully with me. I am Spirit, inhabiting this body for this time, choosing to be here for whatever reason for the years that I reside in this frame, and as such, I can speak as Spirit, to Spirit and with Spirit. This may sound crazy, but to me it makes perfect sense! This is not to deny the body, as it’s through my body that my spirit relates to this world at the moment and my body is to be celebrated, not denied. At the wellhead I had such a strong impression (an impression more than a picture) of mighty waters rushing through me. It was like I was standing in white water, and it was forcefully pouring through my back and back out of my stomach. This cleansing, powerful, healing, changing water was flowing through and out of me. Here I had a deep sense of connection, of interconnectedness and interdependence, of belonging. It was like the water was flushing out all the crap as I choose to let go of it, transforming me into who I was meant to be from time immemorial. I turned the card of delusion in my work with the Tarot this week and it threw me for a while. I was worried that I had gone way off beam or something, that perhaps my path was somehow wrong. In the gardens today, however, I saw that my delusion is placing confidence in these negative attributes that have been assigned to me over the years, and my interacting with them gives them more power over me. I saw that although places like Chalice Well are indeed special (and they are) and although ritual and ceremony is special (and it is and I love it) what is most significant is the Avalon within, if you like. It’s not so much about people and places (although these things are crucially important), but it is about what is growing and happening within. The places and people, the ritual and ceremony must affect change within – personal transformation and growth. As I journey to Avalon within, I die to the crap and rubbish and am reborn, transformed, as a Son of Goddess. It’s the cycle of life, the lesson of the Yew. Some of this bothers me as I don’t want Goddess to be a female Jesus and I don’t want Goddess to be a divine therapist and I don’t want my path to be a Christianised pagan path! There are echoes here of my past, and this bothers me a little. I think the fact that it bothers me is good, as this will stop me allowing this to happen! I think this is all part of the delusion. My perfect trust is in the Lady and not the commercial activity or the commercial trappings that can surround her and her path. I don’t want to be sucked into that which is false and not of Spirit, but I do want to know a deeper and powerful connection to her and her energy and I want this sense of connection to transform me into someone who brings release and freedom for others. Current Mood: rejuvenated (Comment on this)
Friday, June 30th, 2006
8:08 pm	Handfasting Here's a lovely article from the local press concerning the Summer Solstice Handfasting I conducted with Pammy at Glastonbury Tor this year: CELEBRATING THE LONGEST DAY Next Story | Previous Story | Back to list 18:00 - 29 June 2006 Amid drummers and fire jugglers, a group of chanting Druids facing east with anticipation didn't seem unduly disappointed to find clouds obscuring the rising sun. Hundreds of revellers had gathered to witness the beginning of the longest day of the year, and even brisk breezes and a hint of rain did nothing to dampen their enthusiasm or determination to celebrate and party as loudly as possible. Away from the noise, slightly below the summit, as the emerging light filtered down the slopes of the Tor, a small group could be seen slowly toiling upwards. Amanda and Nick Saunderson with their two children, Freya, aged four, and Jacob, aged two, were about to live a dream they had had since marrying in a register office in Dronfield, near Sheffield, five years ago. Amanda and Nick said: "Our wedding then was for our family. "The words we had to speak were other people's words, and we so wanted to have our own ceremony, with our own words, that would hold a deeper meaning for us. "So we have come to Glastonbury, which we first visited several years ago, and have loved ever since." They had contacted the Goddess Temple in Glastonbury inquiring about a Priestess, and they had put her in touch with Priestess Pammy Dini, who had suggested she conduct the ceremony on the Tor, with the help of Priest Ashke2003, on midsummer morning When they had nearly reached the top of the Tor, there was a sudden cry of joy. Amanda's parents had travelled all night from their home in Dronfield to be with them for the ceremony. "It was a complete surprise," said Amanda as the children were hugged by their grandparents. As the ceremony began, the morning lightened, the rain stopped, and peace descended on the lower level chosen by Pammy and Ashke and the noises from the top of the Tor faded into the distance. Freya and Jacob proudly carried velvet cushions holding the rings. Amanda was wearing a long medieval- design dress in maroon crushed velvet made by her mother, who also made Freya's dress in similar design. Jacob and his father were in identical cream tunics. As the sun eventually broke through the clouds, filling the surrounding landscape with light, rings were exchanged, poems were read, and Ashke and Pammy bound their hands together with red ribbons - a moving Handfasting ceremony they will never forget. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
6:45 pm	Giving What an amazing time I've been having from Solstice onwards! Getting up at 02.30 Solstice morning was something of a shock, but I managed to do it and got myself to Glastonbury at 03.45 to meet Pammy. From here we made our to Glastonbury Tor to not only welcome the Solstice Sun but to also conduct a Handfasting at the Tor. It was a truly beautiful experience, a real honour and just so incredibly special. It really was a lovely magical time. The following Sunday I took part in a time of healing at the Goddess Temple. I still can't quite get over how powerful the energy was that afternoon. I often feel that I'm rather insensitive when it comes to feeling energy, but my was it flowing! I could really sense it, and sense it flowing from me as well. It was a very powerful experience and such a privilege to be able to work with some very special people. That same afternoon I was took part in a Naming ceremony at Chalice Well! That was just so special, being in the magical place after hours, so it was just the Naming party, myself and Pammy in the gardens. It felt so incredibly special and sacred. Again, the energy was so very evident and I was so aware of my connection to The Lady. It's been so wonderful, so special to be able to give to other people in this way. I'm asking the Lady for more opportunities like this! Current Mood: happy Current Music: Pet Shop Boys (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
6:45 pm	Domnu, Goddess Of Water I took some time out at Chalice Well this morning and, as ever, it was a very special time. I think it's as much about intention as it is about the place itself, but the moment I walked into the gardens, I was very aware of walking into a different space. There is so much to be said for living in the moment, really experiencing the 'now' and this is something that always overwhelms me so powerfully when I'm at Chalice Well. Nature is reaching it's peak of potency, fertility, power and prowess, and I tuned into this as I walked through the gardens. Again I was aware that I am Earth, Air, Fire and Water and as I meditated at various places within the gardens I just felt myself merging with, becoming one with all was around me, beneath me and above me. As such there was no separateness, we are all One and it is all One. I was so aware of Oneness, yet also of my own individuality and uniqueness. There's a contradiction, there's a mystery, but is also a profound truth. I am part of all this, intrinsically linked, yet within this web of life I play my own unique part, without which the whole is not complete. We all come together to give of our gifts. At the wellhead the energy was powerful and strong. I called to Domnu, Goddess of water, and became aware of a strong undercurrent within me. Goddess within, this innate, immanent Goddess. There was something of not calling to Goddess without, somewhere out there in the ether, but rather calling to Goddess within, that She resides and lies within me. It was like calling to Her was awakening Her within my very body. Like my spirit was rising, growing, becoming more apparent, stronger, more powerful, but within me. It was quite incredible, and not something that at this time I fully understand, cognitively at least. I became aware of fear, and of how fear has ruled me for so long. Too long. I became aware, also, of how my own control, control of myself, plays such a part in separating me from the etheric. I control myself to protect myself and I protect myself because I fear and I fear because I have been deeply wounded too many times. I want to move past this, so that I can experience the ecstatic embrace of the divine on a much deeper level. Domnu, Goddess of water, Goddess of emotion, of depth, of intuition. I know that these next six weeks are going to be transformational, special, challenging and life changing. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Chelsea Hotel No.2 - Rufus Wainwright (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
10:09 pm	'Being' The more time I'm spending with the Lady the more the message of 'being' comes home to me. I'm seeing that spiritual growth and experience isn't about fervent activity, of haste, action and 'doing' but rather it's about knowing the deep sense of connection, of moving into another 'space' of know who I truly am and what I have been called to be. 'Being' is not passive, it is not inactive, but it is an alternate state. It's about letting go - those things I fear, I fear only that which I will not let go. By hanging on to these things, I am giving life to my fear and life to the lies of the past. I release these things to Her. As the moon waxes and grows stronger over this next cycle, so I see my fear dissipate and perfect love grow within as I see, know and experience my true place in all things. That I belong. I journeyed this evening, only briefly, as I was calling in Kerridwen, down a tunnel to an opening. Here was an old wooden table, with candles, and a chair. I sat in the chair and sensed that in this place of being I am the student, learning of that which resides within me. Experiencing what I know, moving in this place of inner resources, whilst at the same time learning of all that is to come. It's a special place that I can return to, a place of magic, shelter and learning. And love. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 28th, 2006
12:09 pm	I use the Tarot (although I am no expert) and I recently turned the Chariot. For me, it was talking about balancing light and dark, and that there needs to be both, and also that I can take control, by standing in my own power, to guide and direct the road that I travel, even over the hard and tough ground. I think for me it was about not being blown hither and thither, but rather being sure of where to place my feet, being sure of my path, of the course I am taking. It was also about seeing the Lady as immanent, and I can call upon Her, seek Her direction, and then set my course accordingly. It's like hearing Her voice, but that I'm doing the steering - taking my responsibility, in a way. It's about developing my intuition, really tuning into Her voice, knowing it and being comfortable with it, and then I will know Her perfect will and know where to walk, where to journey. Again, though, there is balance, as I have also turned the Sacrifice card recently, which confused me for a while. This spoke to me of how I keep myself far too controlled. I control my emotions, my feelings, as well as interactions and intra-actions. As well as being called to stand in my own power, I'm being called to 'let go.' I need to let go of those emotions that have controlled me for too long and I also need to let go of controlling my own feelings and emotions that stop me experiencing so much. I protect myself through so many defences, but these same defences are stopping me experiencing the Lady in a deeper, fuller way. I'm all locked up and I need to let go. I am controlled by fear far too much and this often comes from not believing that I am loved. There is no room for fear in real love. Fear holds me prisoner far too often and I need to LET GO!! All I need to know now, is . . . HOW!?! Current Mood: pensive (Comment on this)